Born for Love: Why Empathy Is Essential--and Endangered

"We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and its only end," quoted from Disraeli,is how Perry and Szalavitz start an exploration of how children learn to love-or not. Perry is an international expert on how childhood trauma, abuse or neglect leaves developmental gaps in a young girl or boy's brain. More importantly, he tells what we can do about it. Szalavitz is an award-winning science journalist who creates a coherent narrative of the ten children and their families who are the characters of this book. No work of fiction is as compelling as entering the lives of these young children and their journey to young adulthood.Humans need the capacity for empathy-without it, the ability to love is lost. These children are hungry, even desperate for love, and hungry for learning, but the deficits in brain development due to the trauma, drama and chaos of the first four years of life, during which their brains were literally organizing, resonates down their early years. Perry makes the case that all the "Golden Rules" in major religions show how "morality depends on our ability to see the world from other points of view. And this starts with mirror neurons." Right there is what makes this book unique; what we experience as religious, moral and ethical choices in life all begin with what our brains are capable of. "Empathy is the basis of compassionate action...the foundation of trust, which is necessary for the successful functioning of everything from relations to families to governments and, yes, to economies."What I love about Perry's approach, though, is the lack of moralizing. Here's what happened to this kid's brain and when; here's the consequences of that, now and in the future. Let's find out where the gaps are in brain development, fill in the gaps, and help the kid make better choices. It's a simple process of science-based assessment and treatment, with positive outcomes. It's not easy, but doable. Children, families, schools, neighborhoods, county/state child welfare systems, all benefit when the kid moves from raging and hurting to soothing and healing.Perry doesn't offer psycho-pablum, such as "all kids are resilient, they'll get over it." When early trauma is intermittent and moderate, a child can be resilient; but when the trauma is sustained and severe, the child is vulnerable, not resilient, and needs help delivered in a way that maximizes brain change and healing. These children need connection, need claiming and consistency, not shuttling them from one foster family or treatment center to another.Perry prescribes six "R's" in his approach: playful engagement needs to be rhythmic (to affect deep down in the brainstem), repetitive (creating patterns), relational (safe, stable), relevant (geared to child's developmental stage, not chronological age), rewarding (pleasurable) and respectful (of the child, family and culture). Without intervention, they rage, act out, hurt themselves, their families, other children, end up in detention, homeless, insane or in prison. As a society, we need to make good choices about how we spend our charitable and tax dollars on child trauma and neglect; otherwise these children make brain-traumatized choices that cost them and us much pain, injury, money and lives. No empathy breeds impaired, broken and lost relationships; loving, thoughtful care creates well brains, good choices and productive lives.

I absolutely loved this book. It was written well, always engaged the reader and was never too slow, dry or boring like many non-fiction books can be. I enjoy the authors' style, sense of humor and flow. They had a very good balance of introducing examples/case studies that demonstrated the importance of empathy, and explaining the science and inner workings behind it. This kept the book interesting and also allowed the reader to understand the implications and meaning of what the authors were teaching in more than one way. Another thing I like about this book was the leveling it showed between races and socioeconomic statuses, because when it comes down to it all people are the same. For example, the wealthy American teenager with multiple nannies in infancy developed Attachment Disorder--just like the adopted Russian teenager who spent her first two years in a crowded orphanage with dozens of workers. The book also gave examples of programs to promote empathy, explained how it is a necessity to not just people being "nice", but societies as a whole prospering, and what everyone should (and sometimes should not) do in order to create a happier, more empathetic world where everyone can live the best life possible. This is best, most interesting psychology book I've read in a long time. I would recommend and even demand that everyone who can read it does so.

I will be honest. I listened to this book and there were some chapters that were triggering for me. I had to stop when this occurred and come back when I could.I did learn a lot from this book.

So much is right about the content and message of this book that I will leave it up to the reader to obtain a copy and find out for themselves."Born for Love" follows on the heals of the successful "The Boy who was Raised as a Dog" also penned by the Perry/Szalavitz duo. The latest book draws out several concepts that desperately need to be understood and expressed by all current and future caregivers of children. First is the fact that much of the "learning" that occurs between birth and three years of age often will not be consciously remembered, but will nevertheless influence, often strongly, one's behavior beyond childhood. This can flare up especially acutely when the adult with an abusive past finds themselves struggling to care for a child themselves. The second is the general misconception that "intelligence" allows one to overcome the psychological scars of abuse. A case in point is presented in the book of Ryan, a boy who used his intelligence to excel in his studies and in his social sphere without revealing or being able to repair his internal, disconnected emotional world, until it erupted in a cold, violent crime. For most survivors of abuse emerging toward healthier lives, recovery relies more on supportive relationships than intelligence. Third is the concept of early relationships as a "template" for future relationships. Indeed, just as half of each parent's DNA served as a template (the actual word use to describe DNA copying) for DNA found in their child, would it not be parsimonious for parental behavior to provide a template upon which the child builds his/her own emotional and behavioral repertoire? And just as mutation in DNA can lead either to new deleterious or beneficial traits, so too can the novel experience during childhood become epigenetically and neuronally "fixed" (though apparently reversibly) in ways leading to great resilience, at one extreme, due to supportive caregiving or marked instability, at the opposite end of the spectrum, due to early maltreatment. The authors further correctly emphasize the importance of kinship in child rearing with their reminder that to "be of a kind" and to "be kind" are both derived from "kin". This latter point is of concern with the increasing time spent by children in care situations not involving those of their immediate or extended family.Given the excellent information and references presented in "Born to Love", the authors nevertheless neglect some crucial issues pertaining to the target of human empathy. As a serious foray into the developmental roots of this ability, I found the lens focused too narrowly on human-to-human interdependence. Many writing from within the 'ecopsychology' tradition are correct with their insistence that relationships beginning in the womb subsequently expand to include human caretakers and the immediate natural world around them, and finally develop into rich relationships with human and non-human alike. Thus, the targets of empathy must be encouraged, as early as possible, to include the non-human as well as the human. Children's fascination with animals is a clue to this yearning. As the authors indicate, our evolutionary history was characterized by small tribal groups, a mixture of ages involved in care taking (although with some adults always present), and a large amount of time spent immersed in the natural world even during interactions with other humans. Exclusively human-focused attempts to engender empathy will likely dead-end as it perpetuates the perceived divide between things that we must care for and nurture and those that we can wantonly consume or discard. "Born for Love" touches briefly on two cultural/social paradigms to exemplify greater relationship connections than those found in an 'average' Western culture--that of Iceland and of first nation indigenous tribes near Winnipeg, Canada. Because the historical tradition of many indigenous peoples fosters empathy not only with humanity, but with the "other" (the non-human) as well, a more fundamental, less schizophrenic interdependence is cultivated and often realized, even as it conflicts with agro-urban societies. So the latter culture gets my vote as the one more important to emulate.If the reader finds this thread to be of interest, couple the reading of "Born for Love" with that of Jean Liedloff's "The Continuum Concept: In Search of Happiness Lost". And for the adventurous, nothing cuts to the core of our societal problems dating back to prehistory like Paul Shepard's "Nature and Madness" and many of the concepts formulated by Daniel Quinn. One will find abundant ideas and guidelines for a movement towards greater sanity within these writings.

As someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family, I hardly learned a lot about empathy or what it means to love. This affected my ability to form and maintain stable relationships in my early adult years. I sometimes had a feeling something was wrong, and that my past was conflicting a lot with my life but I could never put words to it. Reading this book has changed me in many ways. It explains how much of our childhood, even the parts we don't remember, have impacted our lives. I would recommend this book to anyone, big or small; don't hesitate to get it and take on a new perspective on life.My favorite quote from the book has to be, "I don't promise that it will be easy. I do promise them that they can get through it, as long as they keep putting one foot in front of the other and getting up everyday. That's what I do, I just keep getting up."

Interessante

Every counsellor, parent or teacher should read this ground breaking book. Dr Perry has hit the nail on the head, highlighting one of the most important needs for what our western society is craving.

As part of my research for the characters of an upcoming novel, I'd been looking for a book on empathy with case studies of people at different points along the empathy continuum. Not only did "Born for Love" meet my expectations in this respect, it taught me a whole lot more. Written in an informed yet accessible style with plenty of well researched case studies, the book clearly explains what empathy is, how it might have evolved, the conditions needed for its development, and the tragic consequences of impeding that development. It then goes on to make some interesting observations of how our present culture may be creating grave problems for society through its failure to nurture and promote this important faculty within our children.Thoroughly recommended.

優しい考え方を、優しい英語で書いてくれている。一日で半分聴いたが、その時々は良く理解できた。全貌を頭に残すには、ゆっくりとメモを取りながら進める事も必要かな？公園を散歩しながら聴くには最適と思う。他の著作も気になった。