Let Us Prey, Revised Edition: The Plague of Narcissist Pastors and What We Can Do About It

While locked down here in my bunker, we’ve been talking about writing another book. No title yet, but here’s the big idea—“If I’d Only Read This Book EARLIER in My Career, I Could Have Avoided This BIG Leadership Mistake!”But should I write about my Top-10, Top-50, or Top-100 big leadership mistakes? (Yikes. I have an abundance of examples.) Much too late, I’ve often read a book that would have rescued me in those gut-wrenching situations.Darrell Puls’ book would certainly be on the Top-10 list. Maybe I could have avoided some big leadership mistakes had I read more and understood more about narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).In my work with churches, denominations, and nonprofit ministries, it would have been immensely helpful if I had read “Let Us Prey” at the front end of my leadership years. While the author focuses on “The Plague of Narcissistic Pastors and What We Can Do About It” (the subtitle), his book is a Big Wake-Up Call for all ministry leaders, board members and the silent sufferers in the pews and organizations—anywhere and everywhere—where narcissists are doing their damage. Oh, my.Puls writes from sad experience. He served as a staff pastor under a narcissist. As a church consultant (conflict resolution and more), he’s seen the destructive underbelly of narcissist pastors and, yes, narcissistic churches. He notes, “Healthy and unhealthy organizations tend to follow the patterns of their leaders.”The author makes it clear—he loves the church. He’s a cheerleader for pastors. And he’s not naïve. “We are all narcissists to some degree,” he writes, “and many have observed the increase in narcissistic behavior in our society.” He adds, “Narcissism is a spectrum condition meaning that it goes from the least inclination to full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).”Church board members, staff members, and key volunteers—especially—must read “Let Us Prey.” But any leader or board member (nonprofit or for-profit) will benefit from the author’s thoughtful analysis of narcissists and NPD. It’s impossible to summarize the depth of the issue—and some solutions—in this short review, but these six snippets, I pray, will inspire you to read the book.#1. NPD DEFINED. According to the diagnostic criteria of the American Psychological Association, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is a “pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behavior), need for admiration, and lack of empathy, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following…” Page 23 lists nine statements, including these three eye-poppers: #1. “Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).” #3. “Believes that he or she is ‘special’ and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).” #5. “Has a sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations).”As Puls defines NPD, he notes the all-important differences between covert and overt narcissists. (Websites are also helpful including the Mayo Clinic’s description of NPD.)#2. THE NARCISSIST’S RIVAL: GOD. Puls’ research is vast. The bibliography (14 pages) lists more than 200 books, articles, and resources. He quotes Donald Capps in the publication, “Pastoral Psychology,” who concludes “with the premise that the most valuable test for extreme narcissism revolves around this question: Does the person in question believe and act as if they are God?” The answer: “…deep inside the true narcissist sees himself as godlike and God as a terrifying rival.”#3. THE NARCISSIST AS LEADER. “It is our expectation that our pastors will do the work of the Lord rather than be the Lord of the work. The narcissist insists that he is the Lord of the work and all others should serve him.” It gets worse:• “The acting ability of the narcissist must not be underestimated or misread. They are consummate chameleons, able to change their colors effortlessly as they mimic the background of whatever situation they may be in, and that includes their ability to appear compassionate. Covert narcissists in particular can mimic compassion for extended periods, but overt narcissists tire of it quickly and are able to mirror empathy only in short swatches.”• “…the narcissist pastor will find a way to insert himself into the sermon in a positive way. It may be a statement about how good it is to have self-esteem and how wonderful he feels at knowing that he is a child of God, or it could be subtler in softly proclaiming his own humility, which is in itself a contradiction—he’s proud of his humility.”#4. THE NARCISSISTIC CHURCH. In Chapter 9, the author identifies characteristics of the narcissistic church: denial, uniqueness, grandiosity, entitlement, paranoia/isolation, lack of empathy, little awareness of external perception, rationalization, and organizational psychosis. The chart on page 167 compares individual narcissism with organizational narcissism in six categories. One key tip-off: watch for superlatives.This must-read chapter includes this: “One man I know personally talks constantly about how his church is the best, most biblically accurate, friendliest, wealthiest…keep adding superlatives. His own narcissistic needs are met at least in part by being a member of this particular church.”#5. PREVENTION. Pastors, CEOs, senior team members, board members—they all come and go. But don’t relax. If you’re not facing a narcissistic challenge today—it could be just around the bend with your next hire. Chapter 12 is jam-packed with practical preventative help—especially for governing board members who must understand “their legal responsibility to protect the church [or organization] as fiduciaries.”Puls includes 14 interview questions from a business leader, Carl Cadwell, that may help a search committee or supervisor identify narcissistic issues in a candidate. Each question includes a commentary on what to look for. Example:• “How do you define success for yourself?” Commentary: “This will quickly bring out desires for prestige, power, recognition, etc.”• “On a scale of 1 to 10 how weird are you?” Commentary: “It is not so much the number; it is more seeing how candidates react to a question. Because our whole belief is that everyone is a little weird.”• “What is something you believe that nearly no one agrees with you on?” Commentary: “This is an interesting way to get at a sense of isolation, grandiosity, and even paranoia.”#6. THERAPY. If, like the author, you’ve been trashed by a narcissistic pastor or leader, you’ll find comfort in the therapeutic pages of “Let Us Prey.” Chapter 10, “Healing the People” is balm for the soul. “You are not at fault if a narcissist pastor has victimized you. You were carefully and intentionally groomed, seduced, and manipulated to reveal some of your greatest hopes, weaknesses, and fears only to have them used against you by someone you trusted.”UNMASKED! Ironically, if you read this in our current COVID-19 marathon, the latest edition includes powerful, but sad, first-person stories in Chapter 4, “Unmasked.” Note: The revised edition was just published in June 2020. The 2017 edition (which I also read) was pulled due to some research inaccuracies. Have I mentioned yet that the 2020 edition is “must-read?”

This book does an excellent job of exploring those who hide so cowardly behind religion to mask their true intentions of controlling others and projecting their shame to feel superior. For far too long, the church has been the perfect hiding place. The constant projection, gaslighting, victimhood and other covert tactics used by narcissistic pastors are dissected here, and the author discusses his views on the mindset needed within the church to be an "emotionally healthy" place to visit. "Though the temptation will be to rationalize what happened and diminish our part in letting it happen, we must confront who we are, what we have allowed and done, and then commit to change. Without this step, the church is likely to wallow in moral stagnation even though it may say all the right words. What I am describing here is the refocusing of the church from the past with its pain to a future full of promise by changing it at the deepest levels." (pg. 187)This book gets the 'gutsy af' award. Confrontation, change and church.......... oh my!These words on the same page? Yes, big dreams. Let me know when this begins. I'll bring the popcorn.-The following excerpt is from 'The Formation and Role of Shame' (pg.42)The narcissistic personality is built on shame: the shame of rejection, the shame of prohibited desires, the shame of knowing that he or she is broken and worthless despite all the trappings and power they may have accumulated, and the shame of knowing they are not what they project to others. Such deep-rooted shame results in contradictory beliefs and behaviors that can be destructive when acted upon, but which are also irresistible.Shame encompasses an all-pervasive sense of being flawed and defective as a human being. It holds a sense of worthlessness, of failing, falling with the self, which is an inner estrangement where the broken self all but banishes the unbroken self. The narcissist then becomes an object of his own contempt, an object that cannot be trusted. This creates an unbearable inner tension that must be defeated. It is so intolerable that the narcissist will do everything within his power not to experience it at all. Shame, which is failure and brokenness personified, is then directed outward and projected onto others. In this, we find the making of the scapegoat that the narcissist must always have nearby. -The biggest lesson I have personally learned from those with covert npd is that we can't just give away our trust to someone who hasn't proven themselves worthy of it. We certainly have to take some responsibility, as well, for trusting too easily sometimes. Manipulation on some level is all around us and I agree with the author that self-confrontation is the first step. Then commitment to change. We change our surroundings by changing ourselves. A little inspiration from courageous people like this who speak out about their personal experience can help so many others to do so as well. Recommended.