Boundaries in Human Relationships: How to Be Separate and Connected Paperback – February 19, 2008

Concise and well-written, this book is a great primer on boundary-setting and development of self-worth. The exercises included are helpful and clear.

Revealing and engrossing. I'd like to know more about how the suggested exercises help. How does peripheral vision relate to boundaries? Worth reading.

I recommend this book to everyone I meet. No matter what your background is, we all need to learn healthy boundaries. This book has something for everyone and should be required reading. I highlighted and took notes and always find even more when I go back after months without reading it. This is truly the most helpful book I have on my shelves.

I love this book. I'm not completely finished but it is easy to read and I'm delighted to see how to address various relationship nuances. I've been looking for something simple and applicable and this book is it. Great job Anne!

As someone who is struggling with boundary issues, I found this book to be useful. In my opinion, most of the useful information is toward the end of the book. I've ear marked several pages and continue to go back to the book when I have more in depth questions from practicing stronger boundaries.I hesitated to order this book because it was pricey for a paperback, but I dove in because the title fit my situation perfectly. I was disappointed through the first quarter because the writing was a bit choppy, but I'm glad I stuck it out. My impression is that the author's forte lies in therapeutic information and techniques, and translating to the layman was awkward for her. And I'm SOOOO glad that she DID write this book. My relationships are definitely changing as a result.

After reading this book you will have a new tool for understanding how to utilize almost all of the NLP patterns that have been widely popularized.And if you don't have an NLP background you'll find yourself intrigued, reflective, enriched and motivated by Anne's marvelous anecdotes and insights into the human condition. The easily understood technical descriptions of NLP patterns – which make up the mind of the book – come to life through the anecdotes and insights which make up the heart of the book.Now for a more explanatory and critical analysis.The book's title is "Boundaries in Human Relationships". The subtitle is "How to be Separate and Connected".The title implies that the book is fundamentally about how people relate to one another – and the cover's graphics, showing a man and woman facing each other supports this notion.In fact, the subtitle is the truer description of the book because Anne's analyses and insights relate to intra-personal situations as well as inter-personal ones, to self-development as well as to therapeutic interventions.We therefore need to understand what is meant by "boundaries", and as a tool, what is its contribution in the realms of human growth and therapy.First, we must recognize that, in terms of self-development or therapeutic contexts, the notion of "boundaries" is obviously a metaphor. Thus what will be true of physical boundaries will find an application at the metaphoric level as well.Physical boundaries have four major characteristics:1. They cordon off and demarcate the outline of an area; they encompass an area of "within" and therefore simultaneously point to what is "without".2. They paradoxically connect the very areas they separate (because they "touch" both areas simultaneously)3. They may be rigid and impermeable or they may be porous and flexible.4. Finally, they may shift; they may be changed and "advance" or "retreat".All these characteristics are utilized by Anne when describing "boundaries-work".When observing or revealing a particular pattern being used by someone – whether on the cognitive, emotional or behavioral level – Anne will note (the following are my words) how "wide an area it fills up". How prevalent is the use of a specific pattern? Are the "boundaries" of its use too wide so that it is used beyond the "areas" in which its use would be most effective? Or, perhaps its use is too limited? Are the patterns too unchanging and limited or too flexible when they should be rigid?If a pattern is too often used & used in all contexts without considering options, there are no boundaries.For example, in the "Jewish mother syndrome" of "I'm cold. Put on your sweater", where my rules apply to you, there are no boundaries between the parent and the child (at least not in this context).Or for example, a memory may be disabling if it is filtered through too much tunnel, or focused, vision. In such a case creating a new balance between the amount or "area" of tunnel vs. peripheral vision, may be the therapeutic solution. Expanding the memory to contain more pictures of the surroundings of what is remembered in the overly-focused memory, i.e. including more of the memory's peripheral content – who else was there? How were they reacting etc? – will almost certainly resolve much of the problem state generated by the original memory.Or, if an individual doesn't readily use options when more flexibility is called for,we feel that we or they are "up against a wall", i.e. an overly rigid boundary.Or, in one of Anne's examples, the individual was unable to easily move between thinking & feeling. Such a person is stuck or "bounded in", being able only to react either intellectually or viscerally when a combination of the two is what is called for.These are some examples of how "Boundaries" thinking helps describe the problem situation. Simultaneously, "Boundaries" thinking indicates the direction of change that is called for.If too much is the problem, less is (part of) the solution and vice versa.Scale back use of a pattern and you can limit it to appropriate contexts. Extend its use if its application has been too limited. Borders are changeable. The use of the pattern advances and retreats. So in the earlier examples, if a person learns to limit the extent of certain patterns, he can realize that, for example, his rules apply only at home but not at work, or only to himself and not necessarily at all to the others in his life.Or, if internal thinking (submodality) patterns are problematical due to too much tunneled, focused vision in a particular context, the obvious solution is to expand the pattern on the other side of the tunnel vision boundary and start using more peripheral vision in those contexts.If he can monitor his thoughts and feelings simultaneously, the "boundary" between them becomes flexible and even appropriately porous, and he can function much more effectively and congruently.In short, if you can move between the boundary areas i.e. if you can move between patterns of behaviors, you're well on your way to resolving the problem.Which leads us to list the three major therapy advantages of thinking in terms of boundaries (These are a distillation of some of the principles I gained from Anne's book):1) The 2 Advantages to the Therapist:a) The first advantage to the therapist is that if you think of the problem as an area, you begin to think in terms of identifying the problem as an overuse or underuse of a pattern. This is an easy to use diagnostic tool in understanding problem states. At least, so I have found.b) The second advantage is that the direction for a solution is immediately recognized, because Anne's "boundaries" metaphor makes you immediately think of what pattern is on the other side of the problem state, and that pattern is almost certainly (at least part of) the solution for the presenting problem because, being on the "outside" of one area, it is in the area "containing" exactly what the problem area lacks.2) The Advantage for the Client:The advantage to the client is that by describing their problem as a "boundaries" problem you essentially presuppose that the client already has the alternative resource patterns – on the other side of their problem area! If the client displays too much of some pattern, that presupposes that he has the ability to use it less and replace it with its over-the-boundary alternative. By talking of boundaries you imply to the client that the resource he or she needs is as much a part of them as the problem resource since the existence of the resource that is being underused is what allows for the boundary of the problem-resource state to exist. It's right there on the other side of their problem state – and s/he's just not using it – yet. Even if in reality you have to teach the client how to use that other resource, almost by definition it's there on the other side of the border.This is a nice and empowering reframing of the client's problem.Try it.S/he'll like it.And so will you.(Remember, we're talking metaphors and therefore their Milton Model effect should not be underestimated.)Recognize that you're applying one or another of the above "advantages" when thinking in terms of boundaries, and you have what can be a very simple, subtle and powerful metaphor for influencing the other and helping to figure out where to go next.And one place where you personally might consider going to next for now, is where you can order the book, so that when you have it, you can put on your thinking cap and your slippers, sit down in your easy chair, read, learn and enjoy.

Amazing book! It has change the way I relate to others, always having clear out boundaries since day on, and for those that I have an exiting relationship I clearly explain my boundaries. I learned a lot about boundaries with this book.

She has beautifully explained why healthy boundaries are needed inorder for relations to thrive and grow productively

I've tried and read many self help books - for me, this one hits the spot where the others have missed. A massive help. A break through.

Great book! Excellent and instructive way of understanding human relationships. I learned to understand the concept of boundaries and use it pretty much every day since then as a way of apprehending reality but also in my own relationships to the world and people. She also gives a lot of examples to sustain her argument. A must read!!