The Narcissist You Know: Defending Yourself Against Extreme Narcissists in an All-About-Me Age Paperback – September 27, 2016

Of all the non-technical books I've read on Narcissistic Personality Disorder this is my favourite. There are a variety of books that purport to provide strategies and tactics for dealing with narcissists but they all eventually are forced to admit that none of these interventions have much of a chance of success. It's like the old joke: how many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But only if it wants to change. So why is this book useful? The author really nails the problem and describes the various types of narcissists you may encounter. As someone who works in psychiatry I found his layman's descriptions (he is a professional writing a book for lay people) to be complete, concise, accurate and highly readable. Burgo can write - this is not all that common amongst mental health professionals. The book is fascinating and useful in that once you can nail down what's going on (why a friend or loved one is so tough to deal with) you can decide to stick it out or move on. For a more technical description of the problem Bela Grunberger and Otto Kernberg are excellent, but they are both Object Relations theorists (Freudians) and not easy to read. For a good, thorough, overview of the Narcissist You (May) Know this book is invaluable. My copy is extensively annotated and sits on a shelf with other books I refer to often. Highly recommended.

I've never been hasty about making transitions so I can't speak for how much magic anyone has gleaned from this book.After my father passed away I had to reconcile in my own mind how it had come to pass I become a disappointment to him, thanks to a variety of factors. Some of those factors were sociological. Some had to do with my mothers slick ability to smooth everything over and thus put each new day behind her as uneventfully as possible. Oh you worry too much. Stop watching Sat morn tv shows and go out to be your dad's best buddy out in the workshop. I'm 7 years old and Dad is hanging out out there to meditate and try to get over the loss of his dad when dad was 17. Not to mention the dozen or so townie friends he had who probably never returned home from WWII.Being older than my three sisters, I took it for granted those Saturday mornings were his time, not father and son time. He was distanced and mostly seemed annoyed or uncomfortable with my presence so conversations never became the norm. Lawnmowing and sports on TV remained our primary bonding venues his entire life, If you (I) couldn't remember which college some new rookie attended well then your (my) brain must defective.We were at peace with how my life turned out but the fact is that the sister behind me was his pride and joy. Her vibe turned conspicuously manly or dominant, and without so many words I had unknowing become a conversational scapegoat. But nothing overt enough to recognize.Long short is mom and sisters enabled his ambivalence toward his own life and toward me. I suppose we were all somewhat oblivious to the tenuousness or the plasticity of their communication. All the politeness. The standard was a facade of everything in being measured by income. And while mom never raised any red flags over the affect of dad's moderate but increasingly regular consumption of alcohol, she did as it turns out have a much tighter grip on the family purse strings and priorities than I had ever been precocious enough to thoroughly question.Your sisters have earned our support for college and styling salon, but not you. Afterall we did find that nickel bag of mexican under your mattress in 1975.Long short. The women in my family did little to encourage dad to do embrace life more fully and to be less critical. I now suspect they based a significant amount of their easier rapport with Dad upon th epractice of flattering him for his keen ability to classify the unfamiliar or unexpected as hopeless or useless or defective. The sisters mastered the game and snowed both parents and Mom, as it became clearer after dad passed, had been deluded enough herself (under her own bent toward narcissism) to overlook the sisters multiple divorces and decades long, cocaine influenced, giddiness as the measure of sincerity and happiness.All of that appears now, to have been cultivated by an overwhelming drive to climb socially and economically, primarily through focusing on appearances rather than any competency at communicating honestly.This book has been great in helping me to sort out how so many people in our whiz bang lightening snappy culture spend half their lives wondering whether there really is a place in this society for them. And why the other half is so very rarely accurate about their assessments of other people.

Very insightful into the "why" narcissists behave they way they do - that was very revealing and gives the reader much to think about. Easy reading, fluid style, just know that there are some profanities scattered throughout. My two "dings" are (1) the strategies for dealing with narcissists, I found somewhat skimpy, not a whole lot of substantive information was presented. Maybe the reality is, there really isn't much one can do to defend themselves against narcissists - but then the title of the book should have been adjusted. (2) The author's biases are very evident based on some of the people he cites as examples of narcissists. I read these types of books to learn more about social and behavioral sciences, not to listen to someone's unasked-for political opinions, which are evident not only by the persons described as narcissists, but those who were omitted. Still a very good read and highly recommended. You'll likely put this book down knowing much more about the drivers behind narcissistic behavior, and that is very useful.