Getting to Commitment: Overcoming the 8 Greatest Obstacles to Lasting Connection (And Finding the Courage to Love)

I have in my adult life been firmly on both sides of the commitment phobe equation. Both shutting down and falling inexplicably out of love, and being hopelessly in love with someone who isn't totally present and committed. Most of the books in this overcrowded genre focus on one side or the other, often painting the phobic one as the bad or broken one.This was the first book I read that acknowledged that a person can be both and that each is a manifestation of the same thing. It deals with the issue of commitment phobia with an even and unbiased hand, and covers the topic thoroughly while still managing to be succinct and easy to read. I saw not only myself, but of course all of my exes, as well as nearly all of my friends - even the ones in relationships. Other reviewers have noted that it doesn't really give much in the way of what to do next now that the problem is identified - aside from seeking therapy - but it does acknowledge that change is a long hard step by step process. To go into HOW to change is of course many more volumes and its not what this book set out to do. There is NO quick fix but I'd say that the awareness of the issue that this book creates in the reader is half the battle. Summary - "Hey you - here's some things you're doing that I bet you didn't know you were doing. Here's how you're getting in your own way. Now, I invite you to be aware of these things as you do them in your day to day life, question them and start observing how you sabotage yourself."My favorite aspect of this book is that it defines the concept of Commitment as what it truly and realistically is: The day to day act of being present with your partner, aware and accountable for your side of the street. Why so many people are stupid enough to believe that commitment is a proclamation or a ring is beyond me. There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Life and relationships are a day to day proposition and this book clearly spells out how people are largely responsible for most of the pain they encounter in relationships in various modes of self sabotage. Will be reading it again.

I don't read a ton of "relationship" books, but I have read a few. This is my go-to. It is the absolute BEST book out there - SO beyond what anyone else has offered (Dr Phil, etc. - and I've read 2 of his books and have read some other authors that have been easy reads and somewhat interesting as well, but not as useful as "Getting To Commitment").THIS book.... this is so well written. And the author uses many, many examples of couples dealing with different issues. He also speaks to his own past issues and what he's mindful of that he needs to continue working on as well, although he has come a long way and from what I can tell, he "gets it" and now he and his wife truly have what he has worked toward getting. He's there. And he's amazing at helping others achieve the same healthy relationship(s).He is incredibly insightful and pragmatic. Provides so much CLARITY as well. And I really like the "real life examples" of the couples he presents. I just can't recommend this book enough. If I could choose just ONE "relationship" book, this is it. It's THAT good. It's THAT helpful. He's so "real".And the book touches on every possible aspect (in my opinion) of things/behaviors that could possibly interfere with achieving true, genuine commitment and intimacy.You could read bits and pieces of it with your spouse or partner and probably both get some real benefit from it and actually enjoy the process. It's thought-provoking. Not kidding. He really brings up some useful points and examples.It's a MUST read if you are struggling at all with choosing partners who hesitate (or refuse) to commit, or if you yourself have troubles with commitment and/or intimacy, this is the book. Look no further.

I felt guided towards this book. I didn't realize I had a fear of commitment until I began reading. I then saw my own patterns for what they were - fight or flight behaviors. This is an eye-opening book. If you see yourself repeating the same patterns, if you keep picking the same kind of partner, I recommend you read this. It's primarily about breaking your old, destructive patterns and preparing yourself to be the partner you want to be in order to attract the right partner. Best of luck to you in your journey.

This book is 250 pages. It should be about 20. The author belabors his points by repeating the same thing in ten different phrasings, and even the different "points" are mostly the same point. He offers anecdote after anecdote about people who struggle with commitment...but not a single, practical solution. The value in this book would be that it can help one recognize his or her commitment issues...but I imagine anyone (like me) who devotes the time and money to read this book is already aware that there is an issue. I read this book because I know I have commitment issues. I didn't need 250 pages of anecdotes, relatable as they may be, to help me "realize" the realization that led me to this book in the first place. If someone genuinely believes he has no issues with commitment, why would he read this book? It makes no sense.I suppose the value of this book is catharsis. People who have been wronged by commitmentphobes can read the stories of others who have been through the same thing, and then get the assurance that it's not their fault from self-styled experts. So the book is not really for people struggling with commitment. The book is for people who want solace after being burned by people struggling with commitment.The authors are not doctors or psychologists. They are simply writers who have talked to a lot of people. I give them credit for being very upfront about this, and for repeatedly recommending professional counseling. That is admirable. But really, if you've confronted your issues to the extent that you are willing to buy and read a 250-page book, you know you need help. This book will not provide it. So skip the read and go right to counseling.

After realising that ‘commitment phobia’ had another name: ‘relationship anxiety’, I did a lot of research, found this book and thought I’d give it a go. I’m so so glad I did.In a very calm and logical manner, this book does exactly what it says and takes you through the various areas of where resistance to commitment comes from. Reading it was such a relief and I recognised myself again and again in these pages.Assuming you want to go down the Choosing a life partner route, it is understandably a pretty terrifying decision especially if you’ve been burnt a few times.I don’t think we as a society talk about relationships enough or even have the collective knowledge about what the ingredients are to a successful partnership. Many of my parents generation got married very young before they really knew themselves and were either amazingly lucky in marrying someone they were well suited to, or stuck it out with varying degrees of success… or had to rethink.Reading this book I realised that there were several very understandable reasons from my own experience growing up that were preventing me from making good choices of partners. I also realised I had a massive fear of confrontation which meant I would turn myself into ‘the ideal partner’ and then realise I’d got myself into an untenable situation playing a part I couldn’t keep up and run for the hills.With a clearer idea of what was at play, I decided to see a therapist for a bit and it has been life changing. Quite a lot of reviews say that this book doesn’t provide solutions.I would argue that it never promised to and how could it?? that would be a set of encyclopaedias!Stephen is really good at making you question your behaviour, rootle out what is really behind it and take responsibility. If you can figure that out on your own great, otherwise, as he frequently suggests, go and see a therapist. It is obviously so much more helpful to present to a therapist with an idea of what might be at the source of your problem.

I started reading this book because my partner has commitment issues and I wanted to understand how to help and support the relationship in the long term. On reading the book, I realised that I could see that a lot of my behaviour was equally as detrimental and helped me aid my own learning and growth. Since both of us reading it, the relationship is going from strength to strength as we are more aware of how we operate and one another's triggers. I have subsequently recommended it to numerous friends because regardless of if people have 'commitment' issues or not, it helps you identify what levers to pull for a open and more connected life together. With only 255 pages, it doesn't take long to unlock some of the mystery's of a loving and committed relationship.

This book is fantastic. It sets out clearly and comprehensively the reasons why we reject commitment and how to accept it into your life. Alongside therapy to help you deal with previous unhealthy relationships and childhood issues, I feel like the world is my oyster.

Certainly not a rehash of old dating advice. Learn of the wonder and mundanity (if that's a word) of building love. It's not techniques, or games, or how hot you are. But rather, courage my friend. In an overstuffed market of self-help, this really is helpful.

I personally didn’t like it!